Today (I am writing this Monday night), hasn't been a good day. I have been in bed all day with a anxiety/panic attack. Mine are not the usual ones where I have a thought that has taken over and stops me from doing anything. Mine are more of a feeling that boils inside until it erupts and renders me useless. I have no thoughts during them, no sense of pending doom. I am just unable to function and my brain is like the static on the tv.
I hate these attacks. Most times I can pinpoint (after the fact) why they occurred, school stress, loud noises, and sometimes even crowded places (but not always). But this is the first time I have woken up in a full fledged attack. I hate it.
So no, I didn't do my nails today. Heck, I didn't even shower today! My swatchsicles are staring at me from across the room and I won't get to them today either. And I feel guilty. And I hate that too.
These anxiety/panic attacks on this level are new to me within the past 7 months (in which they have almost been constant). See, I have depression. I've had it since I was about 16 (I'm now 31). I've accepted my depression, don't love it, but if this is my trial in life then I am content with it as long as I don't get anything else!
About ten years ago I was diagnosed with Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD). I always thought calling it SAD was kind of funny. But this is a form of severe depression where there is a mood change that occurs during the change of seasons. Mine is winter, less sun (hence the move to Arizona). When October comes around I feel my depression worsen and I can usually fight it from getting too bad. But not this past October. This past October I experienced one of my worst episodes that I have had in over ten years. I was bed ridden for days, forcing myself to go to work. It has been the hardest thing I have ever had to do.
Fast forward to now. I am still in what I like to call my funk, anxiety/panic attacks and all. Usually this would be gone by now. But the hold that this funk has over me has left me unable to get out. I am still down in my deep dark well with the only light shinning above me way out of reach.
I do know that even though some days (like now) are the darkest; there is always a light, that there is always hope, that I will reach the top of my well and get out. I need to remember the good days, because those always outweigh the bad. I know I will always have depression as it is a chemical imbalance that I have. And I know that I will always be on medication, which I am fine with as it keeps me with my loved ones. My depression makes me who I am. And I believe I am stronger because of it.
This post went into further detail than I had planned. But what I have come to find out in the polish world is that I am not alone in this. There are many other wonderful ladies who suffer this silent pain as I do. Polish brings the color back into our world if only for a day or two. It is nice to know that I am not alone even when I feel that I am, utterly alone.
So I have decided that there may be some times that I don't post everyday, because sometimes trying to keep up has brought on these attacks and I can't do that anymore. So I may miss a few days here and there because I need me time and I don't want to feel guilty about it. But I will always try my best to post.
I am also thinking of adding different types of posts and not just manis. I have other collections that I would love to show you ladies (that would give you more insight into me), like my massive amounts of necklaces or journals or books (big reader here) or quotes. I'm just not sure that these would be things that interest you, the reader.
So if any of those would be interested in those other types of posts, let me know and I could start that up too. And thank you for those who stayed through this rather lengthy post, probably my longest post yet! :)
If you would like to read an very interesting blog post that explains a lot of what I am feeling please read: The Crumpet Depression - Me and My Shadow. For those who don't suffer from depression, this gives you some insight on what those who suffer from it feel like.
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